So, as you can see, the "mania" is the high. I do not like the term "mania" it evokes images of lunacy, crazy/ criminally insane and some people mistakenly think the "mania" is the depression due to the confusing diagnosis of some folks as "manic depression" which is essentially just another name for bi polar where the diagnosed individual spends most of their time at the low end of the cycle and experiences deep dark depression which often leads to suicidal tendencies. Most people know and understand the implications of depression, although, if you have never experienced it, (good for you) you will probably not understand or know what to do/how to help if someone you know and love happens to fall victim. My suggestion to you would be to gather up any empathy and compassion you can find within yourself and educate yourself. For now, I feel the need to explain what exactly the "mania" is.
Mania is when the bi polar individual feels good. Sometimes, too good. Some symptoms of this part of the cycle are: Extreme excitability, racing mind, productivity, sharp focus, determination, high energy and a feeling of euphoria or, being "high." Sometimes for a bi polar individual, it only takes one small incident to throw him/her into another mode of the cycle. For example, from my own recent cycle, I am currently in mild depression. 40 days ago, I was manic. Positively BURSTING with ideas and productivity. I had quit smoking cigarettes, I created a logo and started a website to sell my art in one day, started this blog and felt on top of the world. The incident that threw me into this mania from major depression was receiving a message from an ex where he admitted that all my suspicions as to why we separated were correct. I finally had validation and felt that I could move beyond that mess. I am unsure why his admission was such a boost to my psyche but I was glad to be out of the depression so I did not question it. Little by little the mania subsided to a normal mood for a while. Following mania is usually a period of exhaustion. Bursting with all of that energy is quite draining and cannot be sustained for very long. And, continuing on the cycle, coupled with the exhaustion is the feeling of wanting to be back in the mania, it is almost like a withdraw effect from the "high." You want so badly to have that energy again. Slowly, if your not conscious of the cycle, you can drift back to the depression and not understand why. Other times, something will happen like, a computer breaking, (which happened to me yesterday) or a disagreement with a friend or family member, or even a stranger being rude to you can send you spiraling back down. There is always a trigger. It may seem like something completely insignificant to other people but to a bi polar, it feels like the EVERYTHING.
For me, personally, diagnosed with bi polar at the age of 16, have in the last 7 years or so, became aware of my own cycles and removed myself from all prescription drugs. I do not want to get into a discussion about meds as I completely believe that it should be up to the individual whether or not to take medication. I was prescribed Paxil for 10 years. At the end of that ten year span, I was an absolute mess. I was experiencing suicidal thoughts on a daily basis even slashed my wrists at one point. Death was not the objective but I just wanted to see blood and feel pain. I was hyper sexual and engaging in dangerous sexual escapades. (got tested: all clear. Thank the Gods!) I was completely irresponsible as a parent of a toddler. I would have strange spells where I lost time, which I suspect but cannot prove, were seizures. I was angry and in 'fight or flight mode 100 % of the time and I was constantly having tantrums. When I would go in to see the doctor and tell him these things, he didn't even bat an eye and sent me home with an increased dose. For months I was getting worse and worse and all he did was increase, increase, increase. At the age of 26, I was taking DOUBLE the dose of what an adult should be taking of that drug. My final visit to that doctor, I made the comment that I still feel terrible and I think I would like to be taken off this drug and see how I fair without it. He told me that was nonsense and that I would be on this drug for the rest of my life and increased the dose yet again. That was the day that I HAD ENOUGH! I never went back. I quit that drug cold-turkey. (this is dangerous and do NOT recommend it) I knew and understood that I would experience a withdraw period. For 2 weeks, I went through pure hell. Yet, I was determined and knew in my heart that I had put myself on a path to a better life. In addition to removing that drug, I had endeavored on a spiritual path aided by a series of books (listed below) and principles, meditation and awareness of this condition.
Now, it is 6 years later and I am completely drug free and aware of my cycle. I still have the ups and downs of course but, being AWARE of the cycle is half the battle. Instead of being suicidal every day, it is something that only enters my mind as a passing thought. Not in a "I want to hurt myself" way but more in a "I wish I could escape" kind of way. Everyone wishes they could escape at some point in their lives. When I am feeling that way, I remind myself of my daughter, of my dog and cats, of the fact that know I am here for a reason even if I don't yet know what that reason is. I have a myriad of affirmations that I repeat to myself when I am feeling low. The one I say to myself the most often is, "Everything IS OK." Can't go wrong with that, eh?
So, I just thought that I would explain why it is that I have not posted a blog lately, even though it was originally intended to be a weekly thing, and also, maybe educate you on a condition that is a big part of my life. I thank all of you who have stuck by me and put up with my flaky-ness and for your understanding.
-Rev. Raven Behrendt
My list of books for a spiritual awakening:
The Way of the Peaceful Warrior
The Journey of the Peaceful Warrior
-Dan Millman
The Celestine Prophecy
The Tenth Insight: Holding the Vision
The Secret of Shambhala: In Search of the Eleventh Insight
-James Redfield
The Dharma Bums
-Jack Kerouac
Buddha, His Life and Teachings
-Osho
A State of Mind. Ramtha, the Adventure Begins
-J.Z. Knight
A New Earth
-Eckhart Tolle (I read it BEFORE Oprah did! lol)
Into the Wild
-John Krakauer
Also, many many documentaries, here are a few:
What the Bleep! Do We Know?
ONE
Zeitgeist (all of them)
Thrive! What on Earth Will it Take?
Kymatica
The Collective Evolution I and II
